Friday, November 15, 2013
"And So It Began"
It is time to jump into your short story! Write the introduction to your short story. In addition writing YOUR introduction, you also must comment on EVERYONE else's introduction. Give the writer some feedback and suggest one change. Everyone has to respond to every post this week. To ensure there is ample time for comments, please try and complete your introduction and post it by Saturday.
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Cricket....cricket! I logged on for some intro reading, but nothing! Hope to see everyone's introductions bright and early!
ReplyDeleteAlrighty looks like I am posting first this week, this is definitely a first. Well here is my introduction and it isn't very good, so tear it up everyone!!!
ReplyDeleteJamie walked up to locker and started spinning her lock combination. Her two friends Hollie and Katie took the lockers to her left and right. They bribed Mr. Barber to give them these lockers, everyone else had to be in alphabetical order. Jamie was always very proud of the influence that her and her friends had around not only their peers but their elders as well. Jamie knew that she could manipulate everyone around her, she was wealthy and pretty all of the characteristics every girl craves, especially in high school. Jamie's parents were both lawyers which explains where all of her money comes from. Hollie and Katie are are also daughters of wealth parents.
"Oh my gosh Katie, I absolutely love those shoes!" Jamie said"Thanks! I picked them up over the weekend." Said Katie.
Katie was a an average seize about of about five and half. She had shoulder length brown hair and dark brown eyes to match. She is half Italian which makes her skin a chocolate brown, she could very well be a model. Hollie is her complete opposite but equally as beautiful, she is has a very light skin tone that complements her light brown hair. She is slightly taller than Katie but shorter than Jamie. Jamie is quite possibly the most striking of the trio. She is the tallest and has an absolutely flawless complexion. She has long blonde hair to the middle of her back and electric blue eyes to match. She has a golden brown skin tone and truly looks like a model from a magazine.
All three were considered the popular girls, they date all the cool jocks and always look flawless, they wear sweatpants to school and are never seen without make-up. Jamie opened her locker to gather her books for the day. Her locker was decorated with pictures of her, Katie and Hollie along with her star quarterback boyfriend Bruce. She had mirror inside her locker along with a basket of back make-up just in case she had a crisis. Her friends lockers were the same. They had all of the same classes together which were the easiest courses in the school. Their main focus were their looks and they didn't care about much else.
"I hope that need Aaron studied for that Biology test today because that's who I am going to cheat off first period." said Katie.
"Oh is that the kid with the ugly glasses and the really bad acne that sits next to you?" said Jamie, "but I don't think that his name is Aaron though."
"Well whatever I am still cheating off of him." Katie retorted.
"At least you have someone to cheat off of. I have no one and I am failing the class," Hollie replies.
"Well maybe you should actually study instead of spending three hours in front of the mirror," a short girl with dark black hair retorted while walking by.
"I only spend two hours getting ready!" Katie shouted down the hall she then turned to her friends and said, "Who is that girls anyways?"
"That's Gabbi something. She swims and runs track, she is also a nerd. I cheated off her
during drivers ed last year. She is like best friends with Anthony who also swims. It's kind of weird that she is best friends with a guy, but it's probably because no other girls like her. Don't worry about her she is just jealous of you, Katie. " said Jamie.
"She could probably spend a little bit more time in front of the mirror anyways." Katie murmured.
"Come on let's go to class before Mr. Banner has a fit because we are late again." Jamie replies.
Michaela,
DeleteYour intro has me interested to see just what happens to these girls. It seems to me like their perfect world may just come crumbling down, but I am just speculating. I would suggest rereading your introduction because there were a few grammatical errors, but it is nothing huge. There was also one point towards the beginning where Jamie and Katie spoke in the same paragraph. I would suggest breaking that up into two separate things so that it is more clear which is speaking. I don’t think that your intro is as bad as you think it is. It is enough to keep me wondering about what comes next.
Michaela,
DeleteYour blog has me really interested to see what's happens to these girls next. I have a really good feeling that this story is going to be an awesome one. This has potential to be really funny! You also described your characters in depth too which was good. Nice intro!
Michaela,
DeleteI enjoyed your intro. I think that the story line is good. The intro definitely leaves more to be desired in the rest of the story which is very good. I think that you may want to go back through and reread it because there were some spelling mistakes and grammatical mistakes that could be fixed. Also, you should indent your dialogue so it reads easier. Nice start!
Michaela Cashmer,
DeleteYour introduction is fascinating to me! However, I have a few suggestions. First of all, maybe try to have an attention getter at the very beginning. I'm not saying it is exciting, but it would definitely catch the reader's attention more. Secondly, as the other people have said, reread over your introduction again because there are several spelling and grammatical errors. Sometimes you have commas where there really should be periods such as in the sentence "They bribed Mr. Barber to give them these lockers, everyone else had to be in alphabetical order." Other than that, great job! Can't wait to see what happens next.
Michaela,
DeleteOoh we got some mean girl stuff going on up in here! I love it! Lie, everyone said graticule errors, blah blah, blah. My one big suggestion is don't use the word "said" so much. "Said" is boring. Even replied, exclaimed, or words like that add so much to the piece. Additionally, whenever you're describing the three girls you talk about them being "model-like" several times. It gets a tad redundant is all. But I enjoy the dynamic of these three girls. I'm excited to read more :)
It was a cold winter night up in the frost covered mountains of Alaska. The snow was in flurries being propelled by the fierce, chilling wind. It seemed nearly uninhabitable, but one group of natives managed to carry on. The problem was that they wouldn't be able to live here much longer. The food supply was running out, and the Great Council knew that they had very little time to act before their villagers began to die of starvation. They gathered the people together for a council meeting to discuss their fate.
ReplyDelete"For many days now we have been starving in this wasteland." The Chief Elder, distinguishable by his headdress made from the pure white feathers of a snow owl, had gained their attention immediately. The true danger now seemed more tangible under the weight of this one simple sentence.
The men in the council room began to nervously console there sobbing wives. The children, so innocent, quietly slipped away from their games to weave the crowd to observe the meeting. The members of the Council sat with a somber expression on their faces, as if the news that they would bring to the village cut deeper than the sharp blades of their hunting knives.
"We have elected to send one youth out to find a new place for us to live. They shall set out immediately in search for a place for us to cultivate the Earth. We shall thrive again." A new elder had spoken now. This one was younger and a favorite among the people. He had risen up from the poorer part of the village all the way to becoming a leader, but he never forgot where his power came from. He had managed to instill hopes into every man's heart where the Chief Elder struck fear.
A man stepped out of the crowd. He was of meek appearance. He wore the modest dress of a middle artisan. He also had thick black hair that proved customary. He was trembling as he approached the Chief Elder without a proper arrangement. He walked slowly at first, but grew confident with each stride. When he reached the front he turned to address the throng of his neighbors.
"I am sorry to interrupt, Chief Elder, but I may have an idea for this great journey. If I may present it to you."
"Speak, child."
"I am a pot maker. I do not have great riches or wealth, but I do have a child. She is my daughter Calfuray. Let her venture forth to find us new land."
"She is but a weak woman. How could she be more successful than the strong warriors of the village." The Chief Elder was highly skeptical about this plan, but the pot maker continued.
"The men do not know when the land is fertile. We are occupied in other matters. The women grow the food, and are most likely to find good soil. The men could find perfectly good lanf and miss it. Please, let my Calfuray help us."
"Very well then. If you are confident in her, we must be also. She is our only hope of finding a new life. Without her we are dead. She shall set out in the morning." With that the meeting was adjourned.
Megs,
DeleteThat was a really good intro. Being a legitimate writer, I expect this to be a really good story. That intro had me hooked and made me want to read more. Nice job! Can't wait to see what comes up next!
Megan,
DeleteI love your introduction I think that it is great. It de finale has me hooked and I can't wait to see what happens next. There are only a few grammatical errors that I saw but other than that I though that it was fabulous. All you have to do is just read it over and then it should be fine. Great job!
Megan,
DeleteGreat start! I think that the plot is very good and well thought out. I think that your writing is very good and this show it. I think that you need to read it over one more time because there were some stray letters that you can fix. Also, I was wondering why the people where in the location that they were. Were they stranded or traveling? I may have missed it, but just a thought. Nice job.
Megan McKenna,
DeleteOh la la! I like this introduction! Very well done! You're righting is enchanting. I really like one of the metaphors you created. It made me excited. Haha! I like the different setting and how you described some of the characters. The only glaring mistake I found was "lanf" instead of "land" in the last paragraph. Also, I don't know if in the first paragraph I would use the phrase "carry on", because I think that causes confusion, as Kraus mentioned. It makes it appear as if the natives are traveling, but I think they are not? I could be wrong! Other than that, great introduction, Megan! I am super pumped to read more!
Megan,
DeleteLooks good so far! Interesting setting an premise. Love the daughter's names. Are they Native Americans like we think of or are they of a more mystical sense? It would be interesting to incorporate some historical aspects of a specific Indian tribe if this was at all historical. Also, I think perhaps the council should refute the artisan a bit more about sending his daughter. It seems unlikely they'd be willing to send a mere woman so easily. Its really good though. Can't wait to read more.
It was a humid, misty morning in Hawaii. I, Gilbert Hopkins, a middle-aged man of 47, am a very successful business man. I have been CEO of a company most of my life. This story takes place while I was on vacation in Hawaii. One of my favorite things to do is to go boating. I had spent much of my childhood boating with my father in the Great Lakes. I enjoyed taking in all of the beauty of nature and listing to the birds chirping. This particular day in Hawaii I was going to go on a boating trip by myself in Lake Halulu. The day began like most; I ate breakfast and went over to the dock where I would depart on my trip.
ReplyDeleteI arrived at the dock and seamlessly left on my adventure. I was traveling for about an hour. I was enjoying a beautiful day. The sun was out, but it was not too warm. I was relaxing and looking out into the horizon. As I was looking out something caught my eye. I was not sure what I was seeing at first. I steered the boat in the direction of it. As I drew closer to it, I realized that it was a landmass, which upon closer inspection I realized was an island.
It was not necessarily odd to see an Island, and whenever I did see one I always pulled out my map and tried to figure out which island it was. As always, I pulled out the map. I figured out my location, but to my dismay I did not see any islands where I was. This sparked the adventurous side in me. I figured that since I had to rest of the day to myself that I could explore. I docked my boat against the island, and tied it to a tree. I made sure that I had all of my essential gear in the boat such as a knife and matches. I was unsure where to start exploring, so I figured I would just walk the shore of the island to see how big the island was…………..
Kraus,
DeleteThis story seems to have a good storyline behind it. It seems as if the plot could be really interesting. One thing that I would suggest is to maybe describe the scene a little more. It would help the reader picture the scene as he goes out for a ride in the boat. You could maybe even describe what the water is like when he goes out. Also there was one grammatical error when he you mean to say the rest of the day but you said to rest of the day, but that is a quick fix. I think that this story will be really good. I am intrigued to see what this guy finds when he explores the mysterious island.
Luke Kraus,
DeleteThis story also has potential to be good. I want to see what happens to this guy. I like your point of view of this story, how the narrator is the guy reflecting upon his past experience. Can't wait to see how this turns out!
Kraus,
DeleteI agree with Megan, I think you did a good job describing your main character, however you should maybe try to describe the setting more. Maybe even describe his boat. Is it really big and fancy because he is wealthy? I think that these little details would really bring your story to life. Other than that though I feel that the story is off to a very good start and I can't wait to see what he finds. Great job!
Luke Kraus,
DeleteYour island is very intriguing! However, I know I am restating here, but maybe you should describe it a little more so then it is even more interesting! Just a suggestion. Also, I think you are lacking transitional words between paragraphs. It seems a bit too abrupt. Also, I think that there should be a new paragraph between the two sentences "I could explore. I docked my boat..." Other than that, very interesting introduction, Kraus! I am excited to read more.
Luke,
DeleteI like your aristocratic protagonist! Gilbert...that name first him. I agree with the suggestions everyone else made. In addition to this I feel like the paragraph where you are describing his boating adventure has a lot of short, choppy sentences, many of which could be blended into more complex sentences. I think its important to have a balance of both short and long sentences and it just got choppy there was all. However, I'm intrigued by the story! Nice job!
Do not be afraid.
ReplyDeleteThe inky words seemed to creepily taunt him as they wavered back and forth on the small piece of notepaper that he grasped in his trembling hands. The world around him began to sway in a distorting manner, and he instinctively steadied himself by extending out his hand and leaning against the closest object in reach. His fingers immediately came in contact with something warm and silky, and at once, he drew his hand back in shock.
A colossal, dark body suddenly swung its head in his direction, its flaming red eyes burning right through his own. He took a staggering step backward just as the towering animal blew a forceful "snort" through its flaring nostrils and stomped its enormous hoof into the ground, sending tremors beneath his feet.
He swallowed with a terrified "gulp", and clenched his jittery fists. The small slip of paper suddenly reminded him of its presence as it feebly crunched under his unforgiving grip. He tore his awestruck gaze away from the horrifying creature for a few seconds to glance down at the words he had read only moments ago.
"Do not be afraid," he read with a nervous scoff. "Well, it's a little too late for that." He peeked up at the large animal, as if it was capable of responding.
"You fear." A soft, lovely voice suddenly floated through the air.
He snapped his head up in surprise, and quizzically squinted at the creature. Surely, such a melodic and beautiful noise could not come from such a rogue monster.
For the first time, he became aware of his surroundings and began to scan them, forgetting about the animal for a moment, and desperately searching for the origin of the dainty sound. His mouth was agape as he observed gigantic dark green stalks of an odd plant, towering thirty feet or so above him on all sides. Small, blue blossoms poked their heads out here and there among the vegetation, providing the entire scene with a puzzling aura.
Suddenly, one of the plants began to rustle at its base.
"You fear," the voice came again. He stared at the bottom of the stalk where the movement had taken place, but still, no one appeared.
"Yes! Yes! I fear, okay? No need to state the obvious. Who are you? Where are you?"
His frightened words were rapidly followed by an ear-piercing whinny that shook all of the plants in their entirety. He whipped his head around just in time to witness a massive creature galloping off into the foliage, and disappearing.
His heart began to pound wildly as his eyes jumped from one plant to another. What was going on? Where was he?
As his gaze was making frantic circles, something suddenly captured its attention and it immediately came to a halt. A beautiful, slender girl emerged from the green of the plants. Long, dark hair waved around her small face, and her strikingly green eyes made his heartbeat falter as they met his.
She looked familiar.
She looked very familiar.
Rachel,
DeleteHoly crap! That was fantastic! I am in love with that intro. It was creepy but captivating. The only thing that I am wondering is what is the silky thing that he touches? Is it the body of the bull or is it something else? That was a little unclear to me. Maybe it is meant to be that way, I am just wasn’t sure. Also maybe in the third to last paragraph, opening sentence, you may have forgotten a when. That may also have been neglected on purpose. Again I am not sure. I can not wait to read the rest of your story. I hope I get to! It is going to be pretty interesting.
Rachel,
DeleteThis story has a ton of potential. You described the characters, the scene, and everything else with extreme detail, so I know exactly what is going on, which is awesome. You also made your introduction have that effect that hooks the reader because it is so suspenseful. Can't wait to see what happens next. Nice job!
Rachel,
DeleteWow, just wow. I obviously love it. But just like Megan I have a ton of questions about it. But knowing you I am sure that it was done this way on purpose. Your intro is very mysterious and I am extremely curious to learn the setting and really the characters themselves. I think that you did a very good job describing your scene and you defiantly captured the readers attention with your introduction. I think that it is great and I want to read the whole thing do you better let me! Great job!
Rachel,
DeleteI thought your intro was great. It definitely captured my attention. I thought that your vocabulary made that effect on it. I also was unsure what the silk that was being touched was. As Megan said it could have been done on purpose, we will have to wait and see. Nice job!
Rachel,
DeleteVery haunting, my dear. I liked it very much! There is a lot left to be answered, which proves that its a good intro. My one suggestions is that you describe everything else so well, yet we don't even know the boy's name. Which you may have done on purpose, I don't know. But I want to know him. And I hope we get an opportunity to do so. Wonderful job, Rachel.
It's dinner time, and time to go home from work.
ReplyDeleteI, Adam, am a young, athletic police man, checked out of the office after consulting my boss, Keller, on a regular work day.
"Hey Keller" I said. "I'm going home for the night, see you tomorrow."
"Hold on a second, Adam. There's some papers you have to sign. Only a few, not much. You can take a second to sign them while I go get Ace."
So I agree and sign the papers. Ace, a German Shepard who serves as the police dog, runs to greet me, and I embrace him.
"Is that it Keller?"
"Yep. Your all done for today. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Thank you. Have a good night now"
I walked out of the office and opened the door so Ace could jump into my truck. We rode home in a beautiful fall scene, me occasionally looking at Ace and petting him. The leaves were just beginning to change color, and it was cool out.
My dog and I walked into our apartment, and he napped while I fixed myself some dinner. I was single at the time, so it didn't take much effort to cook up a quick meal of corn beef and potatoes. As I sat down at the table, Ace woke up, noticing the smell of corn beef, and ran over, expecting me to give him some. I gave him a little bit, and then fed him some dog food before I walked back to my meal.
When I finished, I went to the living area to watch some tv. Now, there wasn't anything extraordinary about my apartment, living area, kitchen, bedroom, and single bathroom and all, but it was enough to live by when you were single. It was clean but small, and I thought it was alright. However, I did like to get out of it. I was a runner, and after relaxing for a few minutes, I decided to take an evening run.
I went to the kitchen and got some granola bars, bottled water, and went to the closet to get my neon running shoes. I put them in my favorite small blue backpack. I went out to the truck and Ace followed as I called him. I decided I would run through the woods so I took my truck out my favorite forest trail, which was about ten minutes from my house.
I loved running trails throughout the woods. This one was particularly straight, until the rocky hill in the middle with a decently sized ravine on one side. The sight from the end of the path, or the top of the hill, was known for its beauty and ability to take your breath away. It really was a remarkable sight. In the fall this sight is known state wide, and lots of people run it. Since it was the evening, I would probably be one of the only runners on the path. I liked running alone, well, with the exception of my dog. It is so isolated from my decently sized town that it just lets you get away.
So we hopped out the truck, and Ace ran around as I fastened my running shoes onto my feet. And we were off. The sunset was making everything seem perfect, as it was just starting to set in. The fresh air, the changing leaves, it was all beautiful.
When I got done observing all of these things, I realized that my dog was far ahead, so I picked up the pace. We were just starting to get to the rocky part, and the ravine was starting to take form. I ran faster to catch up. Faster. Faster. Faster.
That's when it happened.
I slipped on a loose patch of rock. I found myself flying, rolling down the hill. I couldn't stop myself. I heard barking in the distance. There was a sharp pain in my leg.
Then I blacked out.
Matt Bobby,
DeleteThis is pretty interesting. To be in the woods alone and get hurt would be awful, but it makes for a great story. I am interested to see how it works out. I would suggest is that when you describe the size of something maybe don't use the word decent. I think that that word means something different to everyone so some people may not see it the way you want it to be seen. You may want to substitute in a word like average. This looks like it could be a good story, Bobby! I can't wait to see the rest!
Matt,
DeleteI think that your story is very interesting and I am curious to see what happens next. I absolutely love Ace, because I love dogs so I am going to be very upset if anything happens to dog, just so you know. I think that you did a very good job describing the scene, I especially like how you picked a season to go with your story. This a very good detail. I agree with Megan that decently isn't the best choice of words. Maybe try like a medium sized ravine or something to that nature. Also I am curious about what time of the day this is happening, is it late at night or early evening? I was just wondering, anyways though good job! I can't wait to see how it turns out.
Matt Bobby,
DeleteGreat start!! I like the plot of your story and I can't wait to continue reading. I think that you described the characters and setting well. One suggestion that I would make is that your beginning to the story was awkward. You may want to start by describing something through the characters point of view. Just a thought. Nice job!
Matt Bobby,
DeleteYour introduction makes me giggle. Haha! It's very descriptive, which is usually good, but I think you may describe a little too much. Maybe instead of describing ever action that the police officer performs maybe summarize them in a sentence or two instead. Also, maybe consider having a more attention-getting beginning. Also, when you reread this make sure you fix the "your" to "you're". You'll know it when you see it. Your introduction has an interesting ending and I can't wait to read more!
Matt,
DeleteNice intro, Matt! I agree with the suggestions of the others, especially Rachel and Kraus. I agree that your beginning sentence or two read a tad awkwardly and that you may have over described meaningless aspects of the story like his dinner or his apartment. However, you do a very good job of capturing a natural, conversational tone in your dialogue, which. I find hard to do. Can't wait to see what happens next!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThe cock crowed. Bakir's steel gray eyes flickered open and then shut again. A groan escaped his dry, cracked lips.
ReplyDelete"Goodness, already?"
He rolled over on his side, the rough hay within the mattress rustling beneath him, and squinted into sun.
The sounds of the city wafted through the window. The rattling of wooden carts on cobblestone. The heckling of merchants in the Square.
How could this good-for-nothing town be so full of life so early?
It was way too early.
Bakir ran his hand down his cheek, feeling the patchy grizzle of his unshaven face. He fell clumsily out of bed, sleep making his movements slow and awkward, and stumbled over to a wash basin which lay on a rickety table across the room. He poured water into the ceramic bowl, dipping his hands in, and running the cool water over his face. He looked up at the wall and examined himself in the mirror.
His stormy eyes seemed to pierce the mirror with their intensity as he gingerly picked at his shoulder length hair, which fell in a tangled mass around his pale face. A face that had not seen more then a few hours of consistent sunlight at a time in years. His thin undershirt, which was stained with the remnants of last nights binge, clung to his convex shoulder muscles.
A small glint of light caught his eye. He turned slowly to identify the source of the brightness and grimaced. A small red pendant that hung on a nail pounded into the wall glistened brilliantly in the sunlight, projecting onto the surface an intricate web of lines, roads actually. It was a map to that wretched place.
Bakir grimaced. That pendant served as a reminder for every tragedy to befall his pitiful life.
He turned again towards the mirror, pulling the sleeve of his shirt off of his shoulder to reveal a faded, but still visible, white mark. The symbol vaguely resembled a cross with jagged, harsh lines extending from it in all directions.
"My 'cross' to bear." Bakir mumbled, recalling the man who had found him in the mountains, named him, and brought him here to Cordelia. His name was Leon, but he was dead. That very journey weakening him and bringing him to his demise.
The symbol matched the one engraved on the silver casting of the pendant.
That's how they knew that he, Bakir, was the "Chosen one." The prophesied boy. The hero they had been waiting for. The one all the stories spoke of.
Anger began to bubble violently in Bakir's chest, his hands forming fists at his side and his face reddening, he stormed across the room, tearing the pendant off of its hook and throwing it aggressively at the wooden floor.
"A lifetime of neglect and misery is how they repay me for saving them all!?"
Danielle,
DeleteI think that your story is great, it is defiantly very interesting and I am intrigued as to what is going to happen next. I think that you did a very good job describing your character. My only suggestion is that well I am curious as to what his house looks like. I want to know if he has a fabulous house because he saved everyone? I am just curious and maybe you left that out on purpose, but other than that I think that it is great! Nice job!
Danielle,
DeleteI think that your introduction is good. Bakir sounds like a very interesting character. His morning personality is very familiar. I would agree with Michaela when she talked about his house. I hope that they at least gave him a nice place to live because he saved the whole town. Other than that I think that this has a making for a really great story.
Danielle,
DeleteI thought that your introduction was very good. I think that you described your characters and events well. I thought that you also did a great job keeping the attention of the reader. I think this is a great start and I look forward to reading the rest of the story. Nice job.
Danielle Healy,
DeleteOh goody! I love the suspense in your story. You developed your main character very well, and I am interested to see what he does next. Your beginning grasps my attention, and I also very much respect that. The only suggestion I have is that the part about “Leon” seems like it is kind of thrown in there, but yet again, it could be like that on purpose. Other than that I think your introduction is very strong, and I am eager to read more! Good work!
Danielle,
DeleteYour intro leaves me wanting to read more. You grabbed my attention and you describe everything with a lot of detail, which is awesome. The part about Leon probably does have some purpose, so I'll anticipate that. Good job!